Showing posts with label Moving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moving. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Going Away

Its starting. The end, I mean.  Its finally here.  The hugs, the promises, the good-bye, good-bye, good-bye.  I never imagined it would feel like this.  The knot in my stomach like someone punched me so hard.  Its too much emotion, I can't even cry.  Can't breathe sometimes.  This is all going away.  Or, rather, we're going away.  Moving away from our life here, to a new life there.

The move seemed so far off when we made the final decision months and months ago.  It wasn't real yet, just something to look at into the future and see that change was coming.  Change is good.  We need it and want it desperately, but it doesn't change the fact that my heart is also breaking into a million pieces as the day draws nearer.  

A Missoula Bucket List, the ten things we need to cram in before we leave our town.  Only ten?  I thought there'd be more.  But, I realize, its the people that I am most desperately mourning right now.  The daily interactions, the dinner parties and girl's nights, the long walks and talks, the playing at the park and sipping coffee and having lazy moments to enjoy together.  People make the place, they were the heartbeat of our daily lives here.  We'll have new people to keep that heartbeat going for us.  Thank God.  

We crossed an item off the Bucket List today.  We finally spread her ashes, our Gretta, our best dog friend in the world.  I just know she would be totally pissed that we left her in a little wooden box on top of the piano for over a year.  I couldn't let go, my heart still aches for her.  But, girlfriend liked to be outside, so we finally sent her off today into the wind at Blue Mountain.  One of my favorite spots on earth, definitely hers.

Anna was my big helper and carried Gretta for me, she knew this was an important job.  She sat beside me as I let Gretta go and then she sat on my lap and said "Where Gretta?  Where she goed?".  And then I had to try and explain death to a two-year old.  O.M.G.

I finished work this week.  Mace is done with grad school at the end of this week.  Then we start packing.  We have too much stuff.  We have to fit our whole lives into a little Budget Rent-a-Truck and be on our merry way.  Too many emotions this week.  Too much ending and too much beginning.  We're getting through it because we have each other, and because we chose this.  We are confident in our decision and we are moving forward.  Forward, onward and into the rest of our lives.


This is my second link up with Just Write, an exercise in free writing which was started by Heather at Extraordinary Ordinary.  Come join the fun if you feel like writing free!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Heart in Two Places

“I’m in love with Montana. For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection. But with Montana it is love. And it’s difficult to analyze love when you’re in it.”

-John Steinbeck

My heart is both heavy with loss, and light with new beginnings.

The loss is is the loss of everything I have known so intimately for almost a dozen years; most of my adult life. Heavy with the loss of family and friends that are currently in arms reach.  Heavy with the loss of community, familiarity, and love, so much love.

The lightness is in anticipation of new adventures, a new set of family and friends within arms reach, exploring new communities, and love, so much love.

We are losing so much.  We are gaining so much.  And all of it is so painful and so beautiful.  My heart is constantly wrenching between anguish and joy.

We are moving.

We are leaving the place where we met, where we fell in love, where we had our babies, where we made our home together.  We are leaving the place where Grandma and Grandpa's arms are just a short drive away.  We are leaving my best girlfriend in the world, who was there for both my babies' births and just plain there for me always. We are leaving the place where our friends are so familiar, trustworthy and loving that I can think of them only as family.

We are heading to a place that is equally full of love, familiarity and family.  We are heading back to the town I was raised in, heading back to my roots.  And, in a way, Mace's roots too.  He was born in Minnesota, although he hasn't lived there since he was five, but some of his family is there too and well, roots are roots.

One place is not better than the other, and that is what is so hard to explain to the people we are leaving behind. We've discovered though, after Claire was born, that having two kids and not having family in the immediate vicinity is hard.  Really hard.  So, we are moving toward an area that is more densely populated with our family.  A decision that was gut-wrenchingly hard to come to in so many ways, and easy and obvious in other ways.

On a deeply personal and emotional level this move is hard for me.  Montana is the place where I found myself, grew into myself, and finally fell in love with myself.  Leaving the place that has so profoundly impacted my inner-self is scary.  What if I lose that part of myself I worked a dozen years to gain?  I know that statement is oozing with silliness, but my roots have grown firmly here as well.  I am who I am today because of Missoula. The mountains have been more than just a backdrop all these years.  They've been a spiritual presence, they've been peacefulness, they have brought me fitness and health and clear mindedness. I am who I am because of the people here...Mace, my daughters, my in-laws and my friends.  And so much of that daily equation will be taken away in our move.

I imagine those holes will be patched over time and I know everything and everyone waiting for us in Minnesota will help ease these losses...

We are going to be living across the driveway from my parents.  Anna will be over the moon to see her Poppy and Gammy everyday, and after living away for so long this will be the perfect way to make up for lost time.

This will be the first time in a dozen years that me and all of my siblings will be living in the same place.  We are excited out of our minds to be so close to each other.  Sister sleepover? BAM!  Sibling dinner party?  DONE!

Anna and Claire's relationships with their cousins will be so cool to witness.  They have fun when they are together now and play as only little girls can play.  As they grow older this will only change into a solid, beautiful support for one another.

We have friends anxiously waiting our arrival.  Friends that we have worked so hard to stay in touch with over the years and that we are excited to fall back in step with.  The kind of friends that even if you don't talk for six months, you can pick up where you left off.

A bigger city and bigger population brings more opportunity.  I am looking forward to stepping toward some sort of culinary career and having the freedom and time to explore this.  We are excited to try new restaurants, wineries and breweries.  We are excited to explore new parks, new trails and new campsites.  The newness of it all is very appealing.

I cannot measure if one is a bigger loss or a greater gain, but the thing that's made leaving easier is knowing that we will always be back.  We will always have a Montana connection.  Our family is here, our friends are here, and a large part of our hearts will always be here.  How could it not?  So much has happened here and there's no way to leave such a large part of our story behind and never look back.  Oh no.  We will always come back to Montana for those long summer nights to bask with our loved ones.  And for those short winter days to ski in the quiet of the mountains and sit by the fire at night.  And to soak up the peace and the unending love and the people and all that Montana has given to us.  And always, we will walk with Montana resting snug against our hearts until we can return again, and again.