|Missoula 1/2 Marathon-July 2011|
This was one of my prouder moments in life, and without question my proudest running moment. In July of this year I ran a 1/2 marathon, 10 months after giving birth to my daughter. It wasn't the best 1/2 marathon I had ever run, but it also wasn't my worst. And also, it didn't matter. I was just so happy to be running again, to be getting back in shape, to be setting a good example about fitness to my daughter. I bought a pair of shoes the day before the race (a risky move that turned out okay). These shoes have had exactly 13.1 miles on them...until today. Today I ran.
I haven't run, not because I don't want to, but for lack of time/motivation/(insert excuse here). Mace left for Guard duty 5 days after the 1/2 marathon and I have been struggling to find time to fit any form of exercise into my days since. Anna hates the jogging stroller, she screams and cries and hates every minute. This does not make for a relaxing jog. I just can't justify spending money on a sitter so I can run. So, I don't. And I haven't.
I am tired. I am tired of having to be "on" all the time. I'm tired from never getting a break. I am tired of being so damn responsible all the time! Also, I am terrible at asking for help. I have an arsenal of amazing friends that would do anything for me if I asked. But I don't ask. Whether its out of pride or stubborness or just being afraid of imposing, I am not sure. But, I don't ask. So, I don't run.
I had a meltdown this week after some especially hard, stressful and lonely days. I was relaying my woes to my awesome friend Jen, who happens to think that running can cure anything from a minor cold to major depression, and she offered to watch Anna today so I could run. A gift for me, without even asking.
I got up today and I was nervous. I was thinking of any excuse in the book to back out, hoping maybe the weather would turn nasty at any moment. Didn't happen. I hadn't run a step in over three months and was sure I was going to bomb this. Jen said "Kill it!" as I was heading out the door and I gave her back a sarcastic look that said "yeah right."
You know what? I am amazed at how easily I re-found my stride. My muscles remembered! They remembered and they were happy. I ran and I breathed and I took 35 precious minutes for me. ME! ME! MEEEEEEEEEE!!! I took 35 minutes and prayed, I dreamed, I envisioned, I hoped, I stared at our mountains, breathed in the crisp air and breathed out "thank you" over and over. And finally, I remembered why running always always always makes me feel whole again. I remembered that every time I take running out of my life I also take balance out of my life. I need to run. Its a big part of who I am, and without it I am lost.
I don't know how much I'll be able to get out and run between now and when Mace comes home in December. But what I do know is that I am going to try harder to make it happen. I am going to find time, I am going to try putting Anna in the jogging stroller again and maybe, just maybe, I'll even try asking for some help.