We vowed to make sure we don't go another four years without a weekend getaway.

When we returned on Sunday we were met with the sweetest smiles and hugs.  We were all ready to be together again, refreshed and renewed from our time apart.

And, something unexpected from our trip, was this new bond our girls formed with each other.  They were apart from us, but had each other the whole weekend.  From that time together a new kind of love for each other was created.  Awesome.

We were at the Children's Museum in Madison, WI this past weekend with our dear friends the Morrisons.  One of the employees there was very enthusiastic about figuring out how old each of us were in months.  An unusual question, and one that made me feel quite a bit older than the 422 months I am (I'll do the math for you, that's 35 years and 2 months).  But you know what's not a whole lot of months?  48.  48 months is how old Anna turned this past week.  48 tiny little months is all she's lived on this planet.  Amazing.  She's only been around for 11% of my life, and truly, I barely remember life without her.

The first three years of her life she changed so dramatically in height, weight, the way she looked, her motor skills.  All very dramatic physical changes.  In this fourth year of her life, the physical changes slowed down, but her personality took off.  Watching the emotional, mental and cognitive developmental changes in her this year has awed me.

She started preschool last fall and this, I believe, created the biggest change in her.  She has always been a very cautious and watchful child.  She never jumped into situations, played with other kids in new social situations or was willing to try much of anything new.  This past year we've watched her slowly come out of her shell, make new friendships and be brave enough to try new things.  We've watched a quality of leadership emerge from this child who didn't love interacting with other children or new situations.  Its been a slow metamorphosis and one that has me brimming with pride.



Another thing that has emerged this year is a sense of humor that has us constantly rolling. She understands humor in a way that is beyond her years sometimes.  I hope this is because of the laughter in our home and the way Mace and I use humor with each other and the girls.  We do like to laugh together and try to do so on a daily basis.

Watching this relationship between Anna and Claire develop has been so cool.  Sisters.  There's nothing in the world like that bond.  Obviously, they fight and get on each others nerves and absolutely hate each other at times.  But, also, they hug and they play and they squeal and laugh.  And they love each other so very very much.  They notice when the other one is missing and call out for each other when the other is gone.  They know they're each others best friend and my heart aches with love watching them navigate this relationship that is theirs alone.



Its these little things that have surprised me the most about parenthood.  These slow, beautiful changes as I watch my child become her own person.  I love you Anna, more than I could ever put into words. My heart swells with love for you my awesome, spunky, intelligent, funny, witty, beautiful child.

We celebrated her 4th birthday with gusto and charm!  It was complete with 45 of our closest friends and relatives, a balloon animal artist, a Cinderella cake, and a very anti-climatic pull-string pinata.  It was a blast.







I cannot wait to see what this next year has in store for you Anna!  Its going to be a good one.  Happy 4th Birthday my Love.

I love being a mom.  I love waking up and seeing my daughters and holding their still sleep-warmed bodies in my arms.  They are getting to the age where I look forward to our days together and what adventures might await us. When they were babies it was harder to approach the day with any thoughts other than schedules, meals, naps. Now we can color, play play-doh, walk (skip! run!) to the park, pick flowers (dandelions) in the yard, eat ice cream, snuggle and watch movies together on a rainy day, etc etc.  These days together are becoming more fun and less work.  I say that rather loosely, because they are still a lot of work, but now there's less drudgery during the day and more happy moments. In a few words...we are settling in.  We are settling into our family, finding a rhythm.  A beautiful rhythm I love.

I mean, how can you not adore a day spent with these two?




Life is good.  I spend most days home with the girls, but have my job at the bakery a few mornings a week to give me some adult time and do something I adore.  Still...I need some me time.  I have been finding less and less time to connect with me lately.  I found myself looking in the mirror the other day and thinking, "I look like your typical middle-aged mom.  I feel identityless...I look and feel like every other sleep-deprived, haggard, slightly overweight, unkempt mother out there.  And how, how did I become that woman?"  I didn't like the way I looked, the way I felt, the way I was a little perplexed about who this person was staring back at me in the mirror.  This was not an overnight change, this is something that's been in the works for the past few years, and that has slowly crept up on me.  I was suddenly staring at a person I don't really want to be.  Huh.

So, here we are at Mother's Day.  Mace asked what I'd like to do for the "big day", and the only thing I could think of was: be all alone by myself.  That would be the most beautiful gift in the world.  I couldn't say the words though. They felt selfish and wrong.  Except, that I never ever get to be selfish anymore.  And the more I stewed on this thought, the more I only wanted to be completely alone on Mother's Day.  And so, I finally spoke the words, cringed a little bit and heard from my ever-patient, ever-awesome husband, "Do it!".

And now I'm alone.  I'm drinking a beer and writing (something that's been desperately missing from my life) and soaking up the complete silence surrounding me.  Peace.  And.  Quiet.  This might  have to become a tradition.  It's Mother's Day.  A day for me.  And I'm taking it!

Happy Mother's Day to all my moms and all the moms I love out there.  Hope you're finding yourself in this beautiful day.  XOXO

First, let me introduce you to my newest niece, Riley Marie.  She is every bit of perfect.


When we walked into the hospital room to meet her, the air was charged with newness, love, life.  I could feel God there as strong as I ever have.  I feel that a new baby is the closest a person can come to physically touching God. A way to remind us, as humans, about the true beauty of life.  There wasn't space for anything else in that hospital room but joy.  Thank you Riley, for bringing so much joy to our family.

This scene brought me instantly back to the day both my girls were born, breathing in their softness and breathing love out of every pore of my body. It recharged me and it renewed my love for them in a way that surprised me.  It reminded me of all the promises I made about the kind of mother I was going to be....and how many of those promises have taken a back seat as life has taken over.  I mulled those promises over in my mind as my girls slept in the backseat, and I drove the hour home from the hospital the night Riley was born.

Which of these promises were made out of fantastical ideas of motherhood while I was still pregnant, and which are realistic enough to start anew?  Which vows can I renew to my girls?  And which have I made since entering parenthood that are waiting to be fulfilled?

These are the vows I can honestly and truly renew to you, Anna and Claire.  While this list will certainly be added to, these are the promises I make to you today.  You are my monkeys, my sunshines, my kisses and hugs.  You are my Bean, my Muppet, my breath and my air.  You make my world go round, every single day.  My life would be empty without you in it, and because of this great void you fill in my life...

I vow to tell you I love you every single day.

I vow to love you absolutely and unconditionally.

I vow to be present with you.  I will set aside time from the dishes, the phone and all life's distractions to be totally focused and present with you every single day.

I vow to be kind, loving and respectful towards you.

I vow to be patient with you, though I cannot vow to never lose my cool....I do, however, vow to always apologize if I hurt you in any way or lose my temper.

I vow to be an adult you can trust, no matter what.  You can come to me with anything and I will listen with an open heart and ears.  No matter what it is, we will get through it together.

I vow to set limits so that you stay safe.

I vow to stand back and let you make mistakes, as long as you are safe, so you can learn to make good decisions in your future.

I vow to listen to you.  I will listen to your ideas, your words and your stories with open ears.

I vow to talk healthily and respectfully about my body and yours, in order to give you the fighting chance at a healthy body image.

I vow to feed you nutritious meals and to teach you about healthy eating.

I vow to also sneak in a treat or two.

I vow to remain active so I can be a role model, and to encourage you to be active as well.

I vow to laugh with you, have fun with you and be a little bit silly as often as possible.

I vow to talk daily about our family that does not live near, so that you may know them through me until you are with them again.

I vow to encourage your interests.

I vow to to instill in you a strong love for God and Jesus.

I vow to be your mama for always and forever.  To wrap you tightly in my arms as long as I can...then open them and watch you fly, with the total trust and understanding that I will always be your soft space to land.

I love you Anna.  I love you Claire.  With all my great big heart I love you.

And Happy Birthday sweet Riley.  Thank you for reopening my eyes to the beauty of this world, and my daughters. Welcome to this family.  Welcome to this world.  You are already so blessed and so loved.

A year is a strange thing.  They can pass by at a pace that makes you want to scream at time to hurry up.  But more often, they pass so quickly you can hardly catch your breath before the next one appears.  Such is the case, continually, since I became a mother.  How is it that Claire is one year old already?  Seemingly, one breath ago, she was a helpless life sleeping on my chest, waking me every two hours to eat, awing me with her tiny eyes, nose, mouth, feet.  Awing me with her presence, her life.



Claire breathes joy out of every pore of her body.  Her whole body smiles when she does, its impossible not to be just a little happier in her presence.  People constantly stop and grin at her and she does a full body wiggle-smile that I know makes peoples' days.  Apparently she really digs this life thing.

Something I love about our new lives is the absolute presence of my husband.  For the past three years he was so engulfed by grad school, that being completely present was, understandably, challenging.  These past couple months, since he started working, he has been 110% present in everything we do.  We get out and do things without a deadline and with total leisure.  We enjoy each other, our children, basking in the indulgence of just being together. Oh, the simple pleasures.

Last weekend we decided to take a family outing to Afton Apple Orchard to pick raspberries and apples.  If you know anything about my eldest, its that this girl loves berries more than almost anything on earth.  Girlfriend would eat them breakfast, lunch and dinner if we could afford it.  So, this was obviously heaven on earth to her.  At first, the price of $4/pint seemed steep to us for pick-your-own raspberries...until we realized that we all likely ate our weight in raspberries while we were picking them.




It was a day that was so hot and humid that it was hard to breathe, but it didn't matter an ounce.  We were together, and we were basking in the hot sweaty glow of our togetherness.

We gorged on raspberries and apples.




There was a petting zoo and we met this guy.

Llamas are hilarious by the way.

And when we got home, I made these delicious raspberry bars.  Actually, delicious doesn't quite capture the essence of these bars.  Amazing, awesome. So. Damn. Good. There is 18 tablespoons of butter in one little 9' x 13" pan.  If that doesn't clear up how good these bars are, then you probably don't know anything about butter (I forgive you)...but you'll still love these bars.


PRINT THIS RECIPE

Raspberry Streusel Bars
Serves 12-15
Adapted from Cooks Illustrated

2 1/2 cups (12 1/2 ounces) all-purpose flour
2/3 cup (4 2/3 ounces) granulated sugar
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup (2 sticks) + 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, divided, cut into 1" pieces and softened
1/4 cup packed (1 3/4 ounces) brown sugar
1/2 cup (1 1/2 ounces) old-fashioned rolled oats
1/2 cup pecans, finely chopped
3/4 cup (8 1/2 ounces) raspberry jam
3/4 cup (3 1/2 ounces) fresh raspberries

Adjust oven rack to middle and preheat oven to 375F.  Line 9" x 13" pan with tin foil, allowing it to hang over the edges to easily remove the bars later.  Grease foil and set aside.

Using a stand mixer fitted with the paddle, mix flour, granulated sugar and salt on low speed until combined.  Add the 1 cup of butter a piece at a time, then continue mixing until the mixture resembles wet sand, about 1 to 1 1/2 minutes.

Measure 1 1/4 cups loosely packed flour mixture into a separate medium bowl and set aside.  Dump the rest of the flour mixture into the prepared pan and, using clean hands, firmly and evenly press the mixture into place to cover the bottom of the pan.   Bake until the edges begin to brown, about 14 to 18 minutes.

Meanwhile, add brown sugar, oats and pecans to the reserved flour mixture and stir with a wooden spoon until combined.  Add the remaining 2 tablespoons of butter and work it into the mixture by rubbing it between your fingers until the butter is incorporated.

Combine jam and raspberries in a small bowl and mash gently with a fork until combined but some raspberry pieces remain.

Spread jam mixture evenly over the hot crust.  Sprinkle the streusel topping evenly over the jam, but do not press it into the topping.  Return pan to the oven and bake until the streusel is a deep golden brown and the jam is bubbling, about 22 to 25 minutes.

Allow to cool to room temperature on a wire rack for 1 to 2 hours, then remove the bars from the pan by lifting the overhanging foil.  Cut into squares to serve, and then you most certainly should...

EAT IT!!

“I’m in love with Montana. For other states I have admiration, respect, recognition, even some affection. But with Montana it is love. And it’s difficult to analyze love when you’re in it.”

My heart is both heavy with loss, and light with new beginnings.

The loss is heavy...it is the loss of everything I have known so intimately for almost a dozen years; most of my adult life. Heavy with the loss of family and friends that are currently in arms reach.  Heavy with the loss of community, familiarity, and love, so much love.

The lightness is in anticipation of new adventures, a new set of family and friends within arms reach, exploring new communities, and love, so much love.

We are losing so much.  We are gaining so much.  And all of it is so painful and so beautiful.  My heart is constantly wrenching between anguish and joy.

We are moving.

We are leaving the place where we met, where we fell in love, where we had our babies, where we made our home together.  We are leaving the place where Grandma and Grandpa's arms are just a short drive away.  We are leaving my best girlfriend in the world, who was there for both my babies' births and just plain there for me always. We are leaving the place where our friends are so familiar, trustworthy and loving that I can think of them only as family.

We are heading to a place that is equally full of love, familiarity and family.  We are heading back to the town I was raised in, heading back to my roots.  And, in a way, Mace's roots too.  He was born in Minnesota, although he hasn't lived there since he was five, but some of his family is there too and well, roots are roots.

One place is not better than the other, and that is what is so hard to explain to the people we are leaving behind. We've discovered though, after Claire was born, that having two kids and not having family in the immediate vicinity is hard.  Really hard.  So, we are moving toward an area that is more densely populated with our family.  A decision that was gut-wrenchingly hard to come to in so many ways, and easy and obvious in other ways.

On a deeply personal and emotional level this move is hard for me.  Montana is the place where I found myself, grew into myself, and finally fell in love with myself.  Leaving the place that has so profoundly impacted my inner-self is scary.  What if I lose that part of myself I worked a dozen years to gain?  I know that statement is oozing with silliness, but my roots have grown firmly here as well.  I am who I am today because of Missoula. The mountains have been more than just a backdrop all these years.  They've been a spiritual presence, they've been peacefulness, they have brought me fitness and health and clear mindedness. I am who I am because of the people here...Mace, my daughters, my in-laws and my friends.  And so much of that daily equation will be taken away in our move.

I imagine those holes will be patched over time and I know everything and everyone waiting for us in Minnesota will help ease these losses...

We are going to be living across the driveway from my parents.  Anna will be over the moon to see her Poppy and Gammy everyday, and after living away for so long this will be the perfect way to make up for lost time.

This will be the first time in a dozen years that me and all of my siblings will be living in the same place.  We are excited out of our minds to be so close to each other.  Sister sleepover? BAM!  Sibling dinner party?  DONE!

Anna and Claire's relationships with their cousins will be so cool to witness.  They have fun when they are together now and play as only little girls can play.  As they grow older this will only change into a solid, beautiful support for one another.

We have friends anxiously waiting our arrival.  Friends that we have worked so hard to stay in touch with over the years and that we are excited to fall back in step with.  The kind of friends that even if you don't talk for six months, you can pick up where you left off.

A bigger city and bigger population brings more opportunity.  I am looking forward to stepping toward some sort of culinary career and having the freedom and time to explore this.  We are excited to try new restaurants, wineries and breweries.  We are excited to explore new parks, new trails and new campsites.  The newness of it all is very appealing.

I cannot measure if one is a bigger loss or a greater gain, but the thing that's made leaving easier is knowing that we will always be back.  We will always have a Montana connection.  Our family is here, our friends are here, and a large part of our hearts will always be here.  How could it not?  So much has happened here and there's no way to leave such a large part of our story behind and never look back.  Oh no.  We will always come back to Montana for those long summer nights to bask with our loved ones.  And for those short winter days to ski in the quiet of the mountains and sit by the fire at night.  And to soak up the peace and the unending love and the people and all that Montana has given to us.  And always, we will walk with Montana resting snug against our hearts until we can return again, and again.

"This is temporary," we whisper.

This is our motto these days.

Our motto when we wake in the morning after another night of broken sleep. "Remember, this is temporary, she will learn to sleep eventually," we whisper from beneath dark covers, too exhausted to haul ourselves into the day.

Our motto when Anna tests and tests and gives us her very best toddler meltdown.  "Remember, this is temporary, she won't be two forever," we console each other, after living in a constant state of exasperation all day.

Our motto when we haven't had a date for four months and are aching for some alone time together "Remember, we will get date nights again, this is temporary.  We won't be broke forever, we will have family nearby soon." And we dream of a long, leisurely dinner with wine and dessert.

Our motto when Claire refuses to sleep in her crib but wants to curl up with me on the spare bed for an all-night nursing session.  "Remember, this is temporary, she is still so little and needs you close, she will sleep in her crib soon." And my heart aches with missing days that are not yet gone, but will be soon.  Because she will indeed sleep alone in her crib someday soon.  The days of her little belly pressed to mine, her mouth on my breast, gone forever.

Our motto when we are so busy we can barely catch our breath, "Remember, this is temporary.  Someday the girls will be grown and we will have all the time in the world." And the thought of it makes me breathless, as I acknowledge that the laughter, the shrieks and giggles, are in fact temporary. And, God, I will miss that music when its gone.  Right now we are at the beginning of our family story, but the next chapters will be here too quickly.

This is temporary...a motto that we never ever use when things are so beautiful our hearts swoon with love and life and joy.  Because those are the moments we want to live in forever and to never go away.

But, this too is temporary.

Everything. Is. Temporary.

Nothing will be awful or beautiful forever.  But the awful days will pass, and eventually we might find some beauty in them.  And the beautiful days will pass, and as much as our heart aches for those memories to be real again, we are so lucky to have lived in those perfect moments and to be allowed to carry them with us...the ones that speak so loudly to us that we can close our eyes and believe we are back there:

The day I laid eyes on Mace and knew instantly I had met my true love...
The day I married my true love...
The day we found out we were going to be parents...and the day she was born...
The day we found out we were going to be parents again...and the day she was born...

And more insignificant days that become the background music to our busy lives:

A hundred lazy Sundays spent cooking and dreaming...
Quiet evenings with a bottle of wine, a husband and a deck of cards...
And a thousand days that have slipped through our fingers unnoticed.  Nuggets of time that passed by without comment...realizing only when looking back how precious those quiet days were.   How much we wish they weren't temporary and that we could have them back to be savored as they deserved to be.

Temporary.  Everything.  Beautiful, devastating and everything in-between.

"This is temporary," we whisper.

What does 60 look like?  It looks like love and joy, family, smiles and contented sighs.  It looks like laughter, good food, sunshine, and cake...of course cake.

60 looks like this...


My Momma turned 60 this January...and look what she created.  A room full of smiles, hearts full of joy.  Daughters, son, son-in-laws, granddaughters...a family that loves each other so. damn. much.


We decided to celebrate my Momma's six decades of life by meeting in Phoenix for a long weekend together.  We didn't do a whole lot, but the weekend was full.  Full of just being, together.  There is something absolutely luxurious about plunking down in one spot, surrounded by the people you love, and just  hanging.  There were no plans, no expectations and contentment was all around.

We had a birthday party on Saturday to celebrate this amazing woman who brought us all together.  We ate a huge dinner (spinach ravioli per the birthday girl's request), ate cake, opened presents and talked about how lucky we are to have this woman in our lives, and especially how much we love her.  Oh we love her!  And this is why...

Our Momma has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  She opens her heart, without judgement, to everyone she meets and allows them to linger there.  She always welcomed new faces in our home while we were growing up with open arms and a huge grin.  In fact, both the brother-in-laws said at separate times that weekend that this was the first thing they loved about her.

Our Momma is incredibly laid back, in a very relaxing sort of way.  She has planted herself in our home several times over the years, for a week or two at a time, and never has it felt like work to have her around.  It is so easy to sit with her, to laugh with her, to talk to her and just be with her.


Our Momma loves our girls to the depths of soul.  She is their Nana, and they all love each other so.  It is so beautiful to watch this relationships between them blossom and grow.  Even when it has been months since Anna has seen her Nana, she always runs to her with a huge hug and a grin as if no time has passed at all.  I am eager to see this love grow as Claire becomes more aware of the people in her world.  Nana, her Angel and her Boo...heaven.


Our Momma loves unconditionally.  Her heart is huge and her forgiveness is immediate.  If only the whole world could love like this, the earth would be peaceful.




To celebrate these 60 years was to celebrate a life full of love, joy, and family.  Happy Birthday Momma, we love you so much!!

For obvious reason, I have been having a hard time finding quiet time to write lately.  I read a lot of other mom blogs and I have found myself wondering how the hell they do they do it?!  Are they superhuman?  Do they get more hours in their day? (I want in on this secret if that's the case.) Are they sacrificing precious sleep to write? (I refuse to participate in silliness such as this.) Are they better multitaskers than me? (I suck at multitasking. I literally cannot type and nurse Claire at the same time, or carry on a telephone conversation and grocery shop.)  Whatever the case, I cannot join the ranks of these awesome women and pound out a post a day while keeping it together here.  Not yet, anyway.

But in the interest of keeping a promise to myself, now that things feel a tiny bit more manageable in my daily life, I am going to attempt to keep up with my Weekly Cooing.  And with that tiny promise to myself and the idea of doing this one thing each week for myself...Coooo...

::

Life with two has been...an adjustment, to say the least.  Its been as daunting, tiring, hectic and exhausting as I had anticipated.  But, its also been a time full of beauty, blessings and falling in love over and over every day.

It is amazing how many times and ways you can fall in love with the same person.  I fell in love with Claire the moment I laid eyes on her, and every day since she was born the falling in love has happened again and again.  I have fallen in love with those deep blue eyes, the spiky brown hair on top of her head, the way she sounds exactly like a sheep bleating when she is sleeping, the soft baby scent of her skin, the way she stares at me when she is nursing, her warm cheek pressed against my chest as she sleeps on my stomach, her mellow spirit.  I could go on and on...


As I've learned since Anna entered our world, I continue to fall in love with her in different ways every day.  Lately, I have fallen in love with the her new found way of nurturing her sister, shushing her softly when she cries, patting her head and saying "its okay Cwaire".  I have fallen in love with her ease at adjusting to this new way of life, her ability to carry-on amid change, her easy going spirit and her smile that has somehow gotten bigger and brighter these past four weeks.  I think it has something to do with her new love...her baby sister.



I have fallen in love with the ease in which Mace has fallen into being a daddy to two.  I have fallen in love with his strong, gentle way with our stubborn two year old, and his sweet, gentle way with our newborn baby.  I have fallen in love with his ability to love me unconditionally through the major ups and downs in my moods and his unfailing commitment to our family, even through the end-of-the-semester busyness of grad school.


Our family.  So much love.  My heart oozes with the love we've created in our home.

Coo.

::

At this very moment, Mace is at Guard drill, Anna is off to see Santa with Mace's parents and Claire is asleep.  The house is quiet and still.  I am soaking up these moments of doing anything I damn well please.  I ate a cookie.  On the couch.  Didn't even have to eat it in secret for fear my two-year old would think cookies are an appropriate breakfast (they are, but only for adults, duh). I had an extra cup of coffee.  I sorted through pictures from the last month.  And now I am writing, uninterrupted and freely.  I was craving, deep in my soul, some time just like this. Precious time, just for me.  I love being selfish, even if its only for an hour.

Coo.

::

We have had a flourish of family here since Claire was born four weeks ago.  We are so darn lucky. Seriously.  I am realizing what a blessing it is to live far away from all our parents when we have had our babies.  And its not for the obvious reason.  Its because we've gotten to have our family plant themselves in our home and be with us.  I imagine if we lived in the same town there would be plenty of visits, but at the end of the day everyone would leave.  Being fully immersed with our parents, having extra hands at all hours of the day, and sharing the first weeks of Claire's life in a very intimate way has been pure joy.

Coo.

::

I hear the littlest one stirring...time to be mommy again.  What a beautiful morning this has been.  My batteries are charged.  Have a beautiful weekend!